Every day, I check in and see if we are going to be in a fight today or not. The struggle is never ending.
I have been in a long-term relationship. It’s true, we are going on at least 20 years together. It has been many years of good days, some not great days and some horrible days. The good days are filled with happiness and joy. The not so great days are filled with mixed emotions of what did I do wrong or how can I make it better. Then the horrible days are spent wondering how we got so far apart from each other. Some of you may be in the same boat as I am. Every morning is when we decide if we are fighting or not. Just before I get in the shower, I step on the scale. This is my longest standing relationship, me and my scale. We were fighting for a long, especially when the quarantine hit! I have gone through a couple of scales over that 20-year period. We have been on an upswing for the past few months. Today we are not fighting, and we are in a good place. I hope this truce lasts for a long time.
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This year has been emotionally draining in general, for everyone. Then throw in some family, work, health, or any other kind of wrench that can be thrown into the mix…it just adds to the already heightened state of anxiety and stress.
I see the text come through, “Are you busy?” This is a little prelude to know that something is going on. It doesn’t matter what I am doing, I know that I need to instantly drop what I am doing. That is what we do for the ones we care about. In that moment, they need to be heard, listened to, and know that someone cares. This is where my professional life intersects with my personal life. I am a not just a social worker for my day job, I would say it is who I am all the time. It is just me. I hear the words, “I’m fine” or “I’m good” but I know that trick. I say it all the time as a means of self-preservation. I know what I need to do. It is time for a visit to have a quick hug, the smile of familiar face or just a quick reassurance that you are not alone… I am here for you – whenever you need me. The thing is you don’t have to be “fine,” I will be here to pick up the pieces, hold your hand or just listen. Monday was a sick day from work, we all had dentist appointments. You schedule them so far out in advanced that you never know what else is going on that far in advance. Then I had two days in a row of participating in a training. This was awesome because I was able to work from home.
Working from home means that I was able to wake up both of my boys for school and help get their day started. These are the privileges that I don’t normally have. I enjoy them since they are so rare. So, in the morning, I make sure that the high schooler is up and logged on by 7:00 am. Generally, he literally rolls out of bed and moved to the computer in his room. Next is the middle schooler, he needs to be ready and logged in by 7:55. He is pretty good, kind of self-sufficient. He is usually up well before he needs to be logged on. While, I am home, I remind them of getting dressed, brushing teeth, eating breakfast, really all the daily things that should be happening. Today as I was getting ready to go to an in-person meeting (breaking away from my training) so I was near the middle schoolers learning space. He is sitting in the dark on his phone, while listening to his teacher. As I am grabbing my belongings, I flip the light on, which is met with a sharp turn of the head. I give the gentle reminder that the phone should be put away, which is meant with a witty comment… “ARE YOU EVER GOING BACK TO WORK??” We both start cracking up. I told him maybe I should join him in his zoom. Then I reminded him How much I love him, and he told me the same. I am sure he will be happy to know, I am going back to work today! I love Saint Patrick’s Day! In this house we go big and celebrate by a visit for our naughty leprechaun, Sheamus. He has been visiting the O’Leary house for a very long time. Sheamus is full of fun tricks and treats. He has done a lot of fun things over the years.
A few highlights over the years:
We have even tried to leave cookies as peace offerings, but then Sheamus would turn them green. He was always a sneaky one. Except there was a big difference this year. My kids know and told me not to do anything. I was kind of like, “ok” they are getting to old. So, I didn’t do much, we have our green shirts on and the green Lucky Charms cereal on the table. No big hoorah. They have outgrown it. So today, I am excited to celebrate Saint Patrick. But I am sad that our tradition has changed! Next year, I will change it up to match their personalities and keep a little of the old… we will see what next year brings! My son is waiting to have a package delivered. He needs a cord for his new game. I looked out the front door and saw a package. I yelled for him to come downstairs to claim his prize.
He came running down the stairs, tearing into the package. Only to see it wasn’t for him. He said, “I think this is for you?” I took the package from him. It was a t-shirt and I knew exactly who it was from. It was my inner circle, the circle of trust. The sent me the most wonderful gift… it was a gift for School Social Worker Appreciation Week. (see pic below) It was much appreciated, and I am so grateful to have them. They are the most supportive group a social worker could have personally and as colleagues. There are times where you feel disconnected through these challenging times. Then, in an instant you realize how that just because you are not seeing each other, you are still forever connected…just in different ways and the right time. Thank you and I can’t wait to wear it!! This past year has been an emotional roller coaster. From being in a pandemic to switching buildings in my district. Sometimes, I get wrapped up in the big picture of things. I look to far into the future and get ahead of myself. This only causes me anxiety and worry, then I start to lose focus.
I can get caught up in the scheduling of sports, school, meetings and so on and so on. I have been trying to focus on the small moments. Small moments can come from anywhere or anything. That’s the beauty of them. You take a moment to pause and appreciate that gift that was given to you. Some of the small moments I have taken time to notice are: Car rides and giggles with a friend Friends who always call at the right time Sharing a laugh with your fifteen-year-old Making time for old friends who become new to you again Co-workers who take the time to listen A snuggle on the couch from your fourteen-year-old When your dogs love you unconditionally Running a good run when the sun is setting The house is clean You have a good conversation with your mom The list can go on and on. I realize that all these small moments will become the big moments that I was looking ahead to without missing the little things. Fourteen years ago, on this day, my world was made complete…but it started the night before.
I was so sick, I thought I had the flu. I was laying on the bathroom floor thinking that this was some cruel joke the was being played on me. I was nine months pregnant and the ate everything that sounded good to me kind of pregnant. Yet, here I was within a week or so of my due date and needing to be close to the toilet. Our due date changed several times, so there was no telling when it would happen. (I later found out that was a sign I was in labor.) I woke up on this day and I knew. I told John, “take your bag to work today, I think it will be today.” I was nervous to be alone, so I called my mom to come straight to my house, while I got ready for work. She said, “I’ll even take the expressway,” which was her sweet way to say she would hurry. Except, the contractions were now regular, he didn’t need to pack his bag to take to work… he needed to put mine and his in the car. The doctor said it was time to come to the hospital. I was so unsure and in pain. My first son was induced, so it was a totally different experience. John reminded me that I had time to shower, but I was just wanted to be at the hospital. I know the second baby could come quicker. I remember waiting for him in the car. I was wondering what he was doing!!! We NEED to leave. As he walks out, I was upset asking him “Why is it taking you so long!” He said he was saying good by to our son, Ryan. I thought ‘OMG” I didn’t even think about doing that, how horrible! But my feet were already on the dashboard as I was taking deep breaths…it was too late. We needed to go. I walked myself into the hospital dilated to 4 and told every nurse I saw I wanted an epidural. I knew that I didn’t want to miss the window. The doctor hung out in our delivery room; we were his only birth at that hospital that day. When it was time, I had pushed for three sets of three. The doctor thought he was at ten pounder. Three hours after arriving at the hospital, one of my most precious gifts was was gifted to me. He was 9.6 pounds and was the perfect addition to my life. Today, I want to wish my beloved boy a wonderful birthday, may all your dreams come true. Mommy loves you forever and always. Tonight, my youngest son is celebrating his 14th birthday with two of his best friends. The have been friends all through elementary school and are soon headed to high school together. This crew is a good group of boys. They laugh and giggle the entire time they are together.
The two boys arrive within minutes of each other while I am standing outside. Each of them head to the house and enter without question. They have been here enough to know the drill. They are always welcome in my home. I kind of love that they feel so welcomed in our home. Well tonight was about celebrating Lucas’s birthday. So, I took this crew to axe throwing and an escape room. They seem to enjoy both of those activities, especially the escape room. They were able to escape with thirteen minutes left in the hour timeframe. They thought that was just amazing!! Then it was back to my house to let the fun continue. Pizza, Cake. Treats. Video games. What more could my guy want other than to be with his friends! Happy early birthday to my baby boy! This is my eighteenth year of being a school social worker. I kind of started late in schools. I never thought that was a big deal… Until I realized how old I potentially would be when I would retire. It’s all kind of confusing, like how may years do I have to work and to what age…. There are so many questions and I don’t know how any of this works.
So, when is it time to call TRS and try to figure this out? I know I have a long way to still… but honestly, I just need a light at the end of this tunnel! I am not going to lie…I called about three years ago. I even set a reminder to call in the year 2032. Periodically, I look to see that date again. This week looked at that date… it just seemed to far away. So, I called again. I payed better attention this time and I took better notes. I got better news than I anticipated…. Let’s just say the light is getting brighter. 😊 It is Thursday morning; I quietly enter my fifteen-year old’s bedroom. I gently rub his back, whisper it is time to get up and kiss his sweet cheeks. It is really the only time I can catch a good glimpse of what used to by my baby boy.
He is now at the age where any attempt to speak with him is painful for both of us. It is painful for different reasons…. For him, I am just the annoying mom who asks too many questions and doesn’t understand anything. Then it is painful for me because the little boy who used to greet me with a giant smile and hug is no longer runs to say “hi” to me. I make sure to be in the car early, I don’t want to make him late to school. As he enters the car, he angrily tosses his shoes in the care and gets in. I ask if everything is ok, he mutters “I’m fine.” I sit in silence for a minute or two for him, so I don’t burden him with conversation. Then I remind him to check in with the baseball coach about try-outs. I here an utterance of an “ok” as he stares at his phone. I take a pause and take a moment to remind him… “you know it is important to make eye contact with people, it makes them feel heard and cared for.” (I can’t help it I am a social worker all the time) Staring at his phone utters “yea, I know.” Ugh… my heart is breaking slightly. I am trying to connect with him about the things we have always been connected about. As he exits the car, I tell him “I love you and have a great day,” as I have everyday since I can remember. Without looking in my direction, he mumbles the same words back to me. My rational brain tells me this is developmental and is very typical of teenagers. However, my emotional brain tells my baby is a young man and is growing away from me. This hurts my soul…it is making me tear up as I write these words. You spend their first years pouring every ounce you have into these little people. You know it will happen at some point. But I miss him. I miss my boy. As I pull away, the tears slowly trickle down my, then they come faster. I phone a friend and ask them to remind me again about how my little boy is still in that young man. I am told he will return to me in shortly. In the meantime, I received a gift of more Kleenex for in the car, since I had run out and the gentle reminder that my not so little boy does still and will always love me. |
AuthorI have worked in social work for over 25 years. The past 19 years have been within an elementary school setting. Archives
March 2022
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