It is Thursday morning; I quietly enter my fifteen-year old’s bedroom. I gently rub his back, whisper it is time to get up and kiss his sweet cheeks. It is really the only time I can catch a good glimpse of what used to by my baby boy.
He is now at the age where any attempt to speak with him is painful for both of us. It is painful for different reasons…. For him, I am just the annoying mom who asks too many questions and doesn’t understand anything. Then it is painful for me because the little boy who used to greet me with a giant smile and hug is no longer runs to say “hi” to me. I make sure to be in the car early, I don’t want to make him late to school. As he enters the car, he angrily tosses his shoes in the care and gets in. I ask if everything is ok, he mutters “I’m fine.” I sit in silence for a minute or two for him, so I don’t burden him with conversation. Then I remind him to check in with the baseball coach about try-outs. I here an utterance of an “ok” as he stares at his phone. I take a pause and take a moment to remind him… “you know it is important to make eye contact with people, it makes them feel heard and cared for.” (I can’t help it I am a social worker all the time) Staring at his phone utters “yea, I know.” Ugh… my heart is breaking slightly. I am trying to connect with him about the things we have always been connected about. As he exits the car, I tell him “I love you and have a great day,” as I have everyday since I can remember. Without looking in my direction, he mumbles the same words back to me. My rational brain tells me this is developmental and is very typical of teenagers. However, my emotional brain tells my baby is a young man and is growing away from me. This hurts my soul…it is making me tear up as I write these words. You spend their first years pouring every ounce you have into these little people. You know it will happen at some point. But I miss him. I miss my boy. As I pull away, the tears slowly trickle down my, then they come faster. I phone a friend and ask them to remind me again about how my little boy is still in that young man. I am told he will return to me in shortly. In the meantime, I received a gift of more Kleenex for in the car, since I had run out and the gentle reminder that my not so little boy does still and will always love me.
3 Comments
EugeniaKouts
3/11/2021 09:56:07 pm
Oh, Michelle! This breaks my heart! He is still in there, he just doesn't want you to see him, but eventually he will be back. Don't stop being his mom with the words he is used to hearing every morning because those reassure him that even as he is growing up, his mom was always and will always be there. Hugs my friend!
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Susan Dillon
3/12/2021 01:44:23 pm
Definitely one of the hardest parts of parenting. If you are doing your job right they become independent and don't need you as much. But they do come back to you. It just takes a while.
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You captured one of my deepest fears about my son growing up. (He's four now, so I have a ways to go until this stage sets in.) I cannot imagine him being a teenager who butts heads with me, but I know -- like you do -- that it's a normal part of development. But, if it's heartbreaking for me to think about, I imagine it's much harder to be going through actively. Sending you more early morning moments like the one you described to open up this honest story.
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AuthorI have worked in social work for over 25 years. The past 19 years have been within an elementary school setting. Archives
March 2022
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