Everyday I am outside for student drop off, it is the same people every morning. There are four to five of us on any given day. Despite the fact that it is the first 25 minutes of my day, it is the best way to start the day. I enjoy creating my people in the morning, we get a chance to check and connect with each other at the start of everyday.
Since being moved to a new building, I am still working on getting to know the names of all the students. Helping at drop off seemed to be the best way to become familiar with all the little faces at this new school. So now it happends daily. I enjoy being one of the first faces our little friends see in the morning. I try to connect with any student and parent that pass me by everyday! I know that school connectedness promotes overall academic and social emotional success. But really I just enjoy it. I wait until the very last car zips in the circle, I try to make sure that they don’t feel rushed. I hope to have students feel welcome every day. At the end of every day, I am back outside to help load the littles back in the car. I get a chance to tell a parent a quick hello or check in. There are different faces out there helping in the afternoon, depending on the day of the week. It gives me a chance to check out with the adults who were with me in the morning. We get a chance to share some fun stories of the day. Seeing how excited the kids are to share about all they learned in the day is a sweet way to end the day.
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You know when they are little, you can’t wait to no longer wrestle them to change diapers. Who even uses reusable diapers anyway - but I guess that is becoming more of the norm again. I now fall in the category of washing soiled diapers - how did it come to this.
Well let me tell you, I started potty training early, I figured he would follow the older ones lead. For the most part he does. He alerts us when he has to go, but then there are times where I find the “hidden treasures” or the accident spots. He is going on almost four - WHEN WILL THE DIAPERS END! I can’t take it anymore. You see my kids are 14 and 16, I have been done with diapers for YEARS! Then I got our first dog - Dakota Ivy, she is a diva and a princess and everything that makes her wonderful. She is well trained or has us well trained - either way she is precious. Then HE arrived. HE is Tucker Clark. He is stinkin’ cute, a snuggler, my shadow and is always watching me. Dakota loves to pretend she hates him, but he still tries to be her best friend. However, he leaves me gifts that I didn’t ask for and I don’t want! Since he doesn’t care when or where he wants to leave us presents, HE wears a diaper. He is a JERK. My neighbor told me about doggie diapers - I am sure that they are meant for either potty training for dogs or older dogs who can’t hold it. But in this house, it is a dog that doesn’t understand that no other dogs enter our house - you don’t have to keep marking it!! Sadly, this means this almost four year old wears diapers - DAILY. I am at a loss, where did I go wrong - was it getting a second dog, something during potty training - his traumas before coming to our home. Everyday I wash the diapers so there is a new set for the next day - ugh! It is too late to turn him away or to give him to someone else, we are three years in. I love him too much to get rid of him, but I also love my house being free of accidents. SOOOO, I don’t see anytime soon that we can be done with diapers. UGH! Suggestions welcome. It is almost two years to the day that Lucas was going to try out for volleyball as a 7th grader. I don’t even think they got one day of tryouts in before the plug was pulled - the PANDEMIC was in full effect. They don’t have it for 6th graders in middle school where we live. So he was eagerly waiting for 7th grade to get his chance to play.
He knows my expectations, which is to be involved in some way at school. it doesn't have to be sports, it could be anything. I know that keeping kids involved at school is a way for them to feel invested, involved and most importantly - connected, a sense of school connectedness. We lost this during the past two year and so much more! My Lucas is so bright, kind and gentle, yet he lacks so much confidence in all of his abilities. I got a text yesterday around one - “I’m not feeling well, can I skip my driving class if I don’t feel better?” I had to clarify what he means after the volleyball tryouts. He said yes after that. I had to wonder if he is trying to self-sabotage in case he doesn’t make the team? I talked to him after school and he is WIPED out! He said his legs are so sore. I thought to myself - well son, this is what happens when your body atrophies from lack of movement. LOL I hear from the mom of one of his friends, she is excited to know they could be on a team together again. That would be great! Today is day two of tryouts. I sent him off to school today with positive thoughts. I wish him luck and remind him how much I love him. I eagerly wait all day. I am staring at my watch. It is 5:30, and it ends at this time. I wonder if he is done. I text him and ask if he is still there. A minute later I got a simple text, “Made it.” I couldn’t be happier for him. I call him once he is home, I can feel how happy he is with every word he says. He isn’t sure which team, A or B. I remind him it doesn’t matter, he will practice, play and just have a good time. Two years later he had the chance he was hoping for and made the volleyball team - it wasn’t middle school any more. He is now a high school athlete! Way to go Lucas - I am proud of you! I was in a zoom meeting yesterday, as this is how most meetings are still occurring. It was a bunch of social workers from across our region. It is always nice to meet new social workers from our county. The purpose of this meeting is to identify ways that we give ourselves self-care.
They send us into break out rooms. Our mission is to talk about our self-care routines… ugh this is rough. I don’t have one. I stretch the truth and say it is eating dinner with my family. I am honest and say it doesn’t happen often due to our schedules. When it does happen, it makes me very happy. I even make them ask permission to be excused from the table. That just gives me a few more minutes to look at their faces and feel connected. I explained that they are in high school, a freshman and a sophomore. One of the women was so nice and gave me such a nice compliment. She said “you don’t look old enough to have children that age.” I chuckled and said how sweet she was to say that and I am older than she thinks. I think this was a compliment… “Maybe you're better on Zoom!” I am not really sure if it was a compliment or not. I mean, I guess she isn’t wrong. There are filters to hide any misgivings we feel we have, the lighting in my room is kind of poor. (Honestly, I keep chuckling about.) So maybe I am better in Zoom. A little over four years ago, I talked myself into thinking I could be a runner. I had so many supporters to help push me into thinking I am a runner. I mean, I did run several 5ks and finished them. I even got my son to run several of the races with me - he did great! I can’t say I did great - that would be a lie. But I did finish them and for that I am extremely proud of myself. Not only did I try to become a runner, but kind of did at the age of 43.
I would run outside even if it was 25 degrees out - providing there was no ice. I can’t risk a fall at this age! LOL But during the pandemic, I was able to purchase a treadmill. This was my way of trying to keep up the momentum. At some point last year, I lost my mojo. I think that I never found the love of running that I had hoped I would. I thought at some point, I would find it refreshing to go for a run and feel invigorated by it. Well…. That kind of happened but still not what I thought it would be. I guess I thought I would wake up and feel motivated to go for a run - kind of what it looks like in the movies. I think I was just fooling myself. However, after reading a work bestie’s blog - I think I may have found something that could work for me. Inclined walking - I had never heard of it. So I had many questions for her - the first being “will I have a heart attack?” She is so motivating and dedicated with her 4:30 am work out snaps! Ok - she is half my age, works out literally 7 days a week. Why can’t I try this and see if I like it better than running? Today was the day - Day 1 of inclined walking. Well, guess what - I didn’t hate it and I didn’t have a heart attack. So that is good, right? I even did some beginner yoga after my 36 minutes of incline walking. I won’t give up yet on a 5k in the future, but for now I will get back in the swing of things with inclined walking. Thanks bestie! I am on a mission today, I have to write letters for my nephews for Kairos (a three night retreat for juniors and seniors). They are twins so it will be important to make sure that I separate my memories into individuals. These boys are such a joy in my life - I am happy to write these letters to tell them that.
I decided to add some pictures, so I dug in. Whenever I look at pictures I just get lost in them. The memories start coming back and I just can’t stop looking at them. Now that I am looking, I start to lose my purpose. As I find pictures that I know others would love to see, I take a picture of the picture. I send it to the people whose children they are. Usually it is my sister. She and I love seeing the kids when they are little. If I find videos that are even worse! Sometimes they even bring tears to my eyes…tears of laughter! The joy in seeing their little faces, hearing their little voices. I just love it so much! There are so many pictures that it is hard to pick just a few. As I am going through years of pictures, I come across a few of me as a little girl. Even more emotions come flooding in. I think I have the same smile as I did a million years ago. I see my kids' faces in my smile. This was a fun distraction today… so many other things to do, but they can wait. I take the dogs out and feel the warmth of the sun and a slight breeze. The dogs are running through the yard smelling everything and barking at every sound. I knew that today would be a great day to walk outside instead of on the treadmill.
I go in and start laundry, sorting, washing and switching it to the dyer. I get distracted easilyand I am not always motivated to go walking or running. Today, I will take a walk - I am rusty at running. I'm now ready to go. I let the dogs in and see that the sun is no longer out and is hidden behind the clouds. Ugh, I waited too long. The wind is even starting to pick up too. I run back up and grab a sweatshirt. I head out the door, making sure my tracker is tracking my steps. Otherwise it feels like it doesn’t count. As I walk, I sometimes just like to listen to the noises outside, talk with a friend, listen to music or an audio book. As I rounded the lake, I sat at a bench just to soak up a little of the sunshine that was trying to peak back out. I no longer needed the sweatshirt I wore... it is a perfect day to be outside. It was just what I needed. I generally walk the same path every time, I like the continuity of saying hi to some familiar faces. I like knowing how long it will take me to get to and from home. It is 2.16 miles round trip. It just felt good to be out and in the fresh air, especially before it snows again! I am driving home with Lucas. We are sharing a laugh at my expense in the car. I am just enjoying the moment with him. I glance over and see the face of a young man with a laugh that I don't know. He's voice is deep and rarely cracks when he is talking anymore.
I asked him "When did you become a man?" I point out that I can't call him "squeakers" anymore since his voice hardly cracks anymore. He sweetly says I can still make my voice crack, in his best squeaky voice. All I can do is just smile and giggle. He knows that I miss who he used to be... my little boy, my mini me. He continues to be sweet, kind and compassionate. I see a young man who is starting to look more like his dad and a little less like me. I miss the old him but enjoy seeing the young man emerge. I love you my sweet boy. In talking with a friend today, I mentioned how I am just done. I am the person who will listen whenever you need to talk. However, yesterday, I was not that person. I had been going since 4am and was just getting home at 8pm. I just had to say, I can’t, which of course made me feel mean and uncaring. That isn’t the case at all, I wanted to be there, but I just emotionally and physically couldn't.
She said, “girl you’re broke!” HUH?? She went on to explain that my wallet of emotional currency had run out! When you are constantly spending your emotional money giving to others, sometimes there isn't enough for everyone. That was spot on! I didn’t have anything to give! I needed to refill my wallet by prioritizing myself. Otherwise, I would always be broke and forever trying to get to a place where my wallet would be refilled. If I don’t take the time for me or “replenish” my currency, then I will never have enough to help the people who rely on me. We were laughing so much at this amazing analogy, thinking of how much money do we want to spend on certain situations. Honestly, it was just our laughter that lifted me back up - I could already feel my wallet replenishing. Sometimes, that is all you need... just a little friend time to make you whole or add to your wallet of emotional currency. It is important to pay attention to what you are giving your emotional currency to, some may drive you to become bankrupt. My wallet isn't totally filled back up, but I'm working on it. I am barely on time to pick up Lucas from his driving class this evening. He slips in the car and I ask how class was? He said it was just fine. It is only about a 13 minute drive back home. Lucas seems a little tired, I ask if he is ok. He is.
We engage in some small talk about our favorite music. I remember how much he liked the movie Bohemian Rhapsody - something we have in common. As the conversation continues… Lucas: “Did you know Ryan has a girlfriend?” Me: “ WHAAAAAAAT? How do you know this?” He has now peaked up and is totally into giving me the gossip. Lucas: “Well he was walking in front of me at school and he was walking really close to a girl.” Me: “So wait, when was this? Lucas: “Umm, like just before Christmas. I figured you knew.” He thought I was in the “know,” I clearly was not! That just lead to more questions: Do you know her name? What color is her hair? Are they still dating? He was totally into getting the gossip for me. Lucas said he would ask Ryan’s friends for me. As much as I am dying to know - I told him he better not ask anyone anything….Ryan would be so made at us for digging. BUT...he should still keep his eyes and ears open and fill me in as he finds out more information! We did have a little talk about how important it is to fill me in quicker, I mean a two month wait time is not acceptable! LOL |
AuthorI have worked in social work for over 25 years. The past 19 years have been within an elementary school setting. Archives
March 2022
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